Kids tv the necessary evil

Tea calms Britons
Because drinking a hot cup of tea becomes a life goal.


Ahhh the things you say before you have children. Maybe you’ve heard the old quote ‘Everyone is a perfect parent before they have a child of their own’. Never a truer word has been spoken.

All the different things I swore I’d do or not do. I don’t think I’ve kept my word on a single one.

Take watching kids tv for instance. I said I wouldn’t let Harriet watch TV as it would ‘rot the brain’, I would show her flash cards and prep her for a PhD in Philosophy. I steadfastly stuck to this rule until she started walking at 10 months. Then I realised If I was ever to drink a hot cup of tea again I needed to utilise the power of Cbeebies.

Cbeebies if an odd little channel full of characters I love and despise in equal measure. It’s all held together with Prozac infused presenters who really wanted to do Shakespeare.  If you see me about on the street I’m often dressed similarly to a kids tv presenter. Red trousers, primary coloured top, part of the ‘I’m well cheerful me’ uniform.

Lots of Cbeebies programmes send out a weird message. That parents are either absent (Where are Charlie and Lola’s mum and dad?) or another specie (like Flop in Bing, is he his dad, guardian? No idea) and that parents never ever lose their shit. Topsy and Tim are tiny arseholes forever breaking vases, dropping cakes and bringing stray animals into their room, but the parents, who must be in some kind of Valium induced  stupor do not bat an eyelid. They didn’t even punch the neighbour when he bought the kids a rabbit as a leaving gift. They let the whole class come to their house for photo day…which by the way was a nursery photo which I don’t believe for one minute as those kids are at least 26 years old….Oh and finally, what sort of name is Topsy? David and I have surmised its short for Topsington…..Also a friend asked me to point out that Topsy wears a clip on fringe…you’ll never be able to un-notice that now.

Controversial I know but l I really dislike Bing too. What a whiny bunny he is. Just go down the f**king slide Bing you big wuss and get your Panda mate to put some pants on.

Some programmes teach kids that you can do a really bad job at work without consequence. I’m thinking Postman Pat, who should’ve been fired years ago. ‘No Pat, you were supposed to deliver a £65,000 specially commissioned stained glass window. A shitty collage from the local school won’t do……And whist we’re at it why did you use the helicopter to deliver a hamster to Mrs Goggins???’ All of Greendale are inept as it goes.

Why is Cbeebies so formal with the men in their shows too? Mr Tumble, Mr Maker, Mr Bloom. Why can’t it just be old Phil maker making something crap with an old yoghurt pot?

Don’t get me wrong. I love some shows like Hey Duggee and Go Jetters. Go Jetters once had a samba-ing unicorn in it and TV doesn’t get much better than that.

There are channels I still don’t approve of. Pop is full of silly cartoons and Power Rangers. The thing I hate the most is all the adverts. The toys look amazing and Harriet will ask for every single thing that comes on…Mostly my reply is ‘nope’. The reality of those toys is always a disappointment. I’m pleased to say we don’t have Sky or cable so I avoid a lot of the channels on offer.

Harriet’s got to the age now which gives me a twinge of sadness. She says that most of the things on Cbeebies are ‘for babies’ and won’t entertain them, I could’ve cried when she first snubbed Night Garden. There endeth my baby.

The plus side means I get to watch CBBC which has taught me more stuff than school ever did. I’m turning into a Horrible Histories super fan. Watching a Charles Dickens parody in the style of Morrisey is awesome.

I think I’ve got many more blogs in me about things I wasn’t going to let Harriet do. Then again without kids TV I’m not sure I’d ever have written a single thing. So cheers Cbeebies just cancel Bing will you?



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